General Beauregard Lee — who, despite being a groundhog, probably would have been every bit as effective a leader as actual Civil War generals — did not see his shadow today, which comes as no surprise since I literally cannot remember the last time I saw the sun, either actually or metaphorically. 2023 is definitely not off to a good start.

Side note: While we're (marginally) on the topic of Groundhog Day, why don't we celebrate it more? We eat chocolate bunnies on Easter, so why doesn't Hershey's make chocolate groundhogs? Although, I don't suppose that Groundhog Day is really a "holy day." I mean, no one worships the groundhog. Do they? Yeah, they probably do. Superstition is king. All the more reason to eat little chocolate fetishes. All Praise Lord Groundhog!

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Ok, campers, rise and shine and don't forget your booties, cause it's co-o-o-old out there!

It's cold out there every day. What is this, Miami Beach?

Not hardly. And you know, you can expect hazardous travel later today with that, you know that blizzard thing.

That blizzard thing? That blizzard thing. Oh, well here's the report. The National Weather Service is calling for a big...blizzard...thing.

Yes they are. But you know there's another reason why today is especially exciting.

Especially cold.

Especially cold, okay. But the big question on everybody's lips—

Yeah, their chapped lips!

On their chapped lips—

Chapped lips!

—right. Do you think Phil's gonna come out and see his shadow?

Punxsutawney Phil!

That's right, woodchuck chuckers. It's...Groundhog Day! Get up and check that hog out there! Hee-yah!

Sooey! Sooey! Come here, groundhog!

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Today is Groundhog Day. By the time you read this, you will know whether or not we should expect more winter based on whether or not it was overcast when a particular groundhog woke up. (The most famous prognosticating groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, has seen his shadow in 104 of 131 years, and his chroniclers say he has been "right" only 39% of the time.)

The last time I mentioned Punxsutawney Phil on this blog was in 2008. That was also a Saturday, one day before the Super Bowl. The Patriots were playing in that game, too. The Patriots lost in 2008. Could the same happen tomorrow? I think that's the question we should be asking the groundhogs. Even if it always picked the Patriots, it would still be right more often than it is about spring.

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In a country that puts more faith in a ground-dwelling rodent than a meteorologist, it should surprise no one that the leading Republican political candidates are a self-aggrandizing game-show host and a bible-thumping, anti-science lawyer.

Happy Groundhog Day.

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Today is Groundhog Day. World-famous Punxsutawney Phil (which is more a title, like "Pope," than an actual name: groundhogs only live about a decade) has seen his shadow more than 6 times as often than not in the past century. What does this mean? That it's generally sunny in Punxsutawney in February.

And if you live in an English-speaking country, you no doubt know that the Super Bowl featuring the New York Giants and the New England Patriots is tomorrow. While it remains to be seen if a groundhog can predict the winner as poorly as it can predict the winter, Scripps Howard News Service isn't waiting to find out. As usual, they asked a bunch of celebrities for their picks, trusting to the observed phenomena that famous actors are more important and more right about everything from medical practices to political theory than common slobs like me.

This year, Dolph Lundgren predicted a Giants win (21-13). On the other hand, Carl Weathers presumes a Patriots victory (31-17). Amusingly enough, the only time these two masters of modern cinema have ever appeared in the same film, Weathers played a patriot ("It's too bad we've got to get old.") who was beaten to death by the fists of the giant Lundgren ("If he dies, he dies."). What does this mean? That apparently Sylvester Stallone was too busy gleefully mainlining HGH for the already green-lit Rambo V to comment. ("[I'm] your worst nightmare.")

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